I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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