Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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