Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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