2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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