i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
