I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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