my phone needs a breathalizer
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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