i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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