I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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