and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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