A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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