these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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