suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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