just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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