Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Randomize
