I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
