And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize