wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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