By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
