oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
