but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
