now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
