At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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