i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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