hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize