I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
