please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
