Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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