tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
