I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
