i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
