even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
