I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
