Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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