New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
