I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
