just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
being pregnant is like rehab
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
