We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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