my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
