Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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