I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
