They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
