4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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