the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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