I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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