The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
