How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
