3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
