Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
