I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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