she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
