I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
