like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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