dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize