I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
