why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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