Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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